Dream Cars

The average American car just passed 4000 pounds in weight. Now, my first car weighed two tons, too--but it was a 1965 laundry van I bought to haul all the equipment for a nine-piece funk/fusion band. I'm thinking of going for an eco-friendly Hummer next time I go car shopping. Run it on bio-diesel and jack it up on 7-foot diameter mining truck knobbies made entirely from recycled latex medical waste. I'll defray expenses at truck rallies, crushing bloated SUVs to the cheers of small car owners. I mean--why buy Jabba the Hutt's party barge, if you can't get a deck gun, a house band, a 'droid bartender, and a skimpily-clad princess in chains to go along with it?