A Grand and Hooty Opening

If you're a fan of Chinese revolutionary ballet, or whatever it is that 50,000 North Korean schoolgirls do with flags and scarfs in that enormous square in Pyongyang, the opening ceremony of the winter games was a special treat. The theme of passion was introduced by a percheron-shaped man in red rubber pounding flames out of Vulcan's forge with a giant hammer. Fire shot out of the heads of speed skaters, an apparent tribute to everyone who died immediately after saying, "Hey, watch this!" A spendiferous tribute to the Alps featured ice dancers in cow-dappled livery, creepy tree-people, Europe's entire supply of lederhosen, and a bunch of guys smoking something from 20-foot-long pipes. The Italian flag was raised by men inexplicably dressed in costumes borrowed from The Nutcracker Suite, and a very sweet nine-year-old sang the Italian anthem which, though my Italian is a little rusty, seems to contain a lyric that translates as "Why did my mom make me wear this?"

High fashion was everywhere in evidence, from the Armani-designed white tunics for the Italian Olympic veterans, which made them look like the Council of the Wise from a 1950s Sci-Fi thriller, to the floor-length jaggedy Alp gowns of those leading in the national delegations. Since I switched over to Battlestar Gallactica somewhere in "Gs," I missed the torch-lighting and the rest. My overall impression was of Lawrence Welk on acid, mixed with Woody Allen spoofing Fellini, as reenacted by Cirque de Soleil. Wish I could have been there.