Who Changes?

Yes, Virginia, the TV Guide Channel really is made by the devil. Where once you could view five channels of info at a time and the scroll ran less than two minutes, now you can see only three, and the scroll lasts over four minutes, giving ample time for freakishly-attired spokesdroids to enthuse over programs you wouldn't watch if you were stapled to the sofa. I use the mute button, which unfortunately covers half of the remaining relevant data with the word "muting" in big green letters. But I can see a market for a windowshade accessory--remote-controlled of course--to cover the top two-thirds of the screen. Jiggly hand-held quick cuts, dueling scrollers, screen in screen popups--the more the TV screen changes, the less it moves me. Hence the lasting appeal of books, which stay exactly the same, and it's the reader who goes through the changes.

Dig It:

In both religion and science, the question of what makes humans human has been debated for centuries--image of God? featherless biped? What? Some say we are the animal that laughs--but now we know that apes laugh, and anyone who owns a cat knows that they at least smirk, if not chuckle. Language?--talk to the chimps. And on the darker side, other creatures share our unfortunate predilections for cannibalism and war. But as I lean on my shovel, it comes to me that none of God's creatures except a human will spend all day digging rocks out of a field. What this says about our relative position on the evolutionary ladder, I couldn't say. But dolphins and whales gave up their hands and feet to return to the sea. Probably got tired of digging.

A Budget Proposal:

I've noticed, over the last twenty years, that New York State seems to function just about the same whether it has a budget or not. And when it does arrive at a budget, it's without noticeable assistance from the Assembly, the Senate or the civil service bureaucracy. So--if we just got rid of them, the budget could be that much smaller. Only three salaries left--Pataki, Bruno and Silver. Get rid of them and you don't need a budget at all. And if there's no New York State budget or government, we would have no basis on which to continue as part of the United States--more savings yet. My grandfather said "The best thing to do about most things is nothing." Now that's administration! He lived a long, peaceful and prosperous life.

The Quality of Mercy:

Facing the mirror, insufficiently caffeinated, wielding my father's primitive safety razor, is always disconcerting. To look down and find little creatures struggling up the sink sides like Sisyphus, only to tumble back down--priceless--no, I mean pitiful. We build fancy fish ladders, set aside square miles of prime timber for the benefit of a rare owl. People stop to escort turtles across the road. But if you have more than four legs--you're on your own. Hardly seems fair. How much could it cost to provide little traction strips on sinks, tubs and toilets, little escape ladders for desperate arthropods? Less than we spend as a nation, I bet, on Preparation H. I could start a campaign, or, I could shave and go to work.