Welcome to Dave's World:

If you have been tuning in to Jackie Sauter's Music for a Monday Afternoon over the past few months, you have been introduced to Canadian storyteller Stuart Maclean and to Dave, the proprietor of the Vinyl Cafe. If not, you are in for a real treat. NCPR is picking up this CBC program for broadcast on Wednesdays at 1 pm, beginning next week. For me, it was love at first listen. I take as evidence for the existence of God--and one with a wicked sense of humor--the appearance of hairless cats and wrinkle dogs, and also, the antics of aging family men who try, as Jessica Rabbit's torch number says, to "do right, like some other men do." Dave could easily be named for my own father, Dave Hobson, who could often be found climbing out from under the wreckage of his best intentions. Around my house, whenever something goes spectacularly awry, we are wont to give a disbelieving shake of the head and proclaim "Dave's World." Welcome to it.

Cratchit 2005:

It's nice when things start to quiet down around the holidays. Anybody who has an annoying level of seniority and authority has taken off, leaving the hoi polloi to labor on undisturbed. Vast amounts of assorted dainties are strategically placed around the offices to ward off any precipitous drops in blood sugar. People get a little mellow--they'll share their gag gifts of farting putty, and take the time to explain why higher frequency antennae are smaller than lower-frequency ones. They'll send around animated Christmas cards of server-clogging size and mp3s of Ethiopian hip-hop carols and the Best of the Swingtime Christmas Polka Yodelers. Tasty. No one expects too much to happen, and, as sayeth the prophet, so shall it be. 2006 will be here soon enough. I hear it's going to be a busy year.

Tuning Up:

According to ASCAP, the most-played twenty-five holiday songs of the millennium are found on this list at the Radio Ink website. Anyone who has the misfortune to work in retail space this time of year has every note of each and every one burned directly into the bottom of their brainpans. But no need to roast those chestnuts--each year brings a new crop of really wonderful holiday music along, too--even some new life breathed into the overworked traditionals. Some of my personal favorites of recent years are Therese Shroeder-Sheker's harp and soprano rendition of The Holly and the Ivy, or Pierce Pettis' version of In the Bleak Midwinter. In a less traditional vein, John Gorka's rich baritone on I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day seems doubly poignant in this time of war. Send in your own nominations for a list of the best twenty-five holiday songs overlooked in the millennium. We'll post your picks next week.

Dear Santa:

The year has been kind to me and mine. Good health, peace at home, enough to eat, and all that stuff. I hope all is well with you up north of the North Country. But I'm having a little trouble with my wish list this year. I already have more books than I can read and more music than I can listen to. Gadgets--plenty, chatchkes--up the chimney, warm clothes--got it covered. I could wish for warmer weather, but I wouldn't want to wish away the pure clean light the cold brings each morning. And so it is for almost anything I could wish for--to have it would be to lack for something else. So instead, I'll just wish that you have a safe globe-hop this year. Stop in for a cookie if you get a moment. Your friend,

Dale

A Slight Distortion:

Yes, they laughed at my bug-zapper earrings, they denied a patent to my remote-controlled motorized TV guide channel windowshade, and somebody else trademarked my demented parson-clad Teddy--Gladly the Cross-eyed Bear. But I still have a million-dollar idea before breakfast every day. For instance, I was watching the usual talking-head duel the other day. There was my guy--bright, hip, articulate--and the other guy, some think-tank troglodyte aparatchik. Who knows what he said. It was like when the grown-ups talk in Peanuts cartoons--nothing but trombone music.

So, in these polarized times, I figure America is ready for the Wah-wha-wha Filter (patent pending). A little button next to "mute" on the remote that, when activated, runs the TV audio through a distortion filter, overlaying the speech with synthesized trombones. Mind made up?--why pretend?